Dear Francis
By Abigail Carroll - Winooski, Vermont, USA - 21 November 2014
Dear Francis,
I wish to introduce you to an idol unknown in your time. Behold
the screen. Believe it or not, Francis, this idol speaks. Depending
on the channel or page, you can hear precisely what you want it
to say. All you do is tap a pad or pass your finger across its
face -- a kind of caress. Here's what other wonders it performs:
stops time -- hours can pass in a clock's single tick -- turns night
into day, and even (sort of) thinks. That is, if you need some help
with a task -- how to pick a lock, whether or not to break up -- all
you have to do is ask. And if goods are what you need -- some
watermelon seeds, your favorite soap, parts for your car -- type in
a code, give it a day or two, and poof -- they magically appear.
About this idol: it's pretty smart. If you want to learn about the
past -- find out what Cleopatra wore or how long it took to cross
the sea in 1492 -- it will teach you without charge. It's its own kind
of school. (Type in your name and let's see what it tells us about
you.) Now I know you will laugh at the thought, but with this idol's
assist, you can actually inhabit two places at once. In truth, it's kind
of cool, traveling the globe without leaving your room. Check out
the protests in Tibet, the butterflies in Belize, what can be ordered
in any random French cafe. It should be noted: this idol has a very large
eye, always monitoring the weather, not to mention the sheep
grazing a particular Scottish pasture or the state of the leaning tower
of Pisa. It even watches over your tomb, (though on that front, there
is not much activity to report. It appears that the faithful have just
finished mass). Did I mention it anesthetizes pain? In a few minutes
it can make you numb. And if what you need is just a good laugh,
fear not, it also knows that trick. Here's the clincher: you don't have
to like it to worship the thing. It steals your devotion with hardly
your knowing, holds you in its clutches like a hungry white-tailed
hawk. If you try to escape its grasp, good luck.
A reluctant idol worshipper